12 January 2014

If I were the Bachelorette

Although me and my girl friends are all smart, independent, career driven women, we love ourselves some Bachelor. We know it's tacky and a touch anti-feminist, but each and every season we are rearing for more. This season we've even made our own "fantasy league" - Bitches and Roses.
Just like any other Bachelor fan, I've always had some lurking desire to be on the show -this season more than ever. It's not Juan Pablo's salsa moves, sexy spanish accent, or even Juan Pablo in general, it's being able to choose from a pool of "eligible bachelors." As a chronic single woman, the idea of 25 men pining over me doesn't sound half bad. So here's how my season of "The Bachelorette" would play out...

My Bachelors:

If your claim-to-fame is making frat history for longest wizard staff, you wear jorts or cargo pants on a regular basis, or you can't remember the last book you read, sorry, you're out.

Chris Harrison would of course have my best interest in mind, ensuring that the majority of my suiters have beards. Some would have what I like to call B&B's (a bun & a beard), and I'd dabble in a few dapper dans - Chuck Bass style. All of my suitors will have careers - "free spirit" and "dog lover" will not cut the mustard.
The bearded man 

The dapper dan

Da B&B

My Twists:

The Rub Down: During the first rose ceremony, I'll skip the drunken getting-to-know-you small talk. Instead, I'll have each man give me a massage and give out roses based on their rub down.

Meet The Judges: Family and friends of the bachelor or bachelorette make rare appearances aside form the Hometown date. On my season, however, family and friends will help me choose. Just like Tyra Banks and her ANTM panel, the guys will have to woo us all if they wanna be on top and continue on in the hopes of becoming my main squeeze.

Rose Ceremony: Chris Harrison will not say, "this is the final rose tonight." Not only can we all count, but we can literally see that it is in fact the final rose.

The Proposal:

Unlike 99.9% of The Bachelor seasons, my season would make history like Trista and Ryan. Poems, tears, and a huge ring would be involved. And of course, we will live happily ever after....

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